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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Naughty grannies

No; granny isn't offering Granny Porn. Heaven forfend! Merely an article about the granny from Northumberland who got let off with a suspended sentence last week for possessing, using and supplying cannabis to ease her and her friends' various ailments. The article even gives some of her recipes. Useful. Many years ago Granny herself was working with filmmakers so had access to their favourite substance - this was long before coke became the high of choice - but she too did not like smoking the stuff. All she had was a recipe for hash brownies supplied by Gertrude Stein's other half, Alice B. Toklas. Though too innocent then to realise exactly what those two got up to outside kitchen and dining-room (she still can't cope with G Stein's writing either) she did, for a brief while, get up to some nice enough things herself fueled by her own culinary efforts - sometimes more than she bargained for. (Problem was, the stuff was so variable, she couldn't tell in advance exactly how powerful her stash was, which meant she didn't know exactly how much to put in. Or how much to eat. Sometimes she found out the hard way. As did her greedy black pug dog, who got into the store cupboard and proceed to scoff the lot. Ever seen a stoned pug anyone? No. don't even think of it; it was not a pretty sight. Though he seemed no worse for the experience, granny felt so guilty she stopped baking after that.)

Maybe she'd try this granny's other dishes if she had any skunk or other version. Or maybe not. She has no such ailments to excuse her- why shouldn't people like cannabis granny use it? - 'I don't want to get high,' CG says, 'merely to stop aching' (or words to that effect) This granny would bake her spiked cake for a much less virtuous reason, that is to remind herself, just one more time, what 'high' felt like. Not much hope though. Lady with big and little dog did once suggest rearing some plants at the rear of Granny's land. But Beloved was not keen and it never came to anything. Just as well. Spanish jails are to be avoided as much and more than most.

But she does, somewhat, object to all the publicity around the lady merely because she is a granny; if this isn't about ageism what is? The lady may be older than Granny though not by much, but she doesn't need the stereotype, any more than Granny does. Granny is conscious of feeding it by her blog name, just the same. Does this matter? The strange thing is that within her family, on her insistance, she is never called 'granny' - or by any other variant of same. Her grandchildren use their own sometimes charming renderings of her first name. So it is all the more ironic that she spreads herself as 'granny' across the web. In consequence she has even caught herself referring to herself in real life as 'Granny p' - also to Beloved as 'Beloved', and so on; almost forgetting the real names even of her dog and cat. Odd that. (She remembers Petite Anglaise once confessing something very similar.) She knows better in some cases: Mr Handsome remains 'Handsome' on the web and nowhere else. Let's hope she remembers to keep things that way. Offending Mr H would not do at all - Granny and Beloved NEED him.

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